Lessons From Fall

Last Saturday I was standing in front of the Inman Park/Reynoldstown train station waiting for a friend to pick me up. As I was standing there, waiting, eating a slice of homemade pineapple upside-down cake from the hipster bakery across the street, I began to take notice of the beautiful fall day that was around me.

 It was a gray day, but just gray enough to make it fall-like and just sunny enough that I wasn't freezing in my tee. The air was perfect, warm with the perfect amount of humidity and the softest breeze. Some of the leaves on the nearby trees were changing color, some of the leaves were steadily being blown off of the trees, adding to the growing number mounting on the ground. As far as I could see, there were leaves littering the ground making for a picturesque fall day in Atlanta.

As I was standing there, waiting, I started to think about the act of waiting itself. I was standing there in no particular hurry because where I was going was not urgent or pressing. Also relinquishing any sense of hurry as I had no control of how long I would be standing there because I was essentially on someone else’s time table. But the thing was, I wasn't frustrated, or impatient or annoyed. I was just waiting. Waiting because there simply wasn't anything else for me to do.

As I stood there, waiting there, pondering there, suddenly aware that I’d somehow stumbled into sacred space I thought to myself, why is it so hard to apply these principles to God? Is it because there is not this overwhelming sense of indefinite-ness? There is finality & tangibility in the fact that I will at some point get picked up. Is it just in this moment that I’m feeling un-hurried and patient? And so in certain seasons, like with everything else in life it is easier to wait than others. Perhaps in that moment it was easy to wait because I knew exactly what I was waiting for-a ride from a friend.

Many times I find myself in a place of waiting and I have no idea what I’m even waiting for. Which seems to be the case right now…and as always….

It is less about knowing, and more about trusting.

Lessons From Fall II

Fall. A season that I have grown up with and as a result has become something that I have taken for granted for year. Last year I didn’t have fall because I was living in L.A, and to be honest it wasn’t something that I noticeably missed other than I occasionally wanting to see some changing leaves.

L.A if you don’t know is not equipped for fall in the traditional sense. It’s a concrete jungle, with few trees that aren’t baby transplants in suburbs from some tree nursery. What does grow there are palm trees, which don’t shed their leaves or change colors and the weather stays about the same until November.

Since nothing really changes during the “fall season” in L.A there isn’t that fall feel that I’d become so familiar with; so familiar with in fact that I didn’t even notice it was gone. All of my favorite things about fall were still happening around me, seasonal Starbucks drinks and fall beers, pumpkins, apple cider and scarves but the specific feel that Fall has, was not there.

Upon returning home to the South I have realized just how much I love and have missed the beauty of fall. Fall, is a season of transition from summer to winter. It’s that in between place, a twilight of seasons if you will. It begins to move you into a place of anticipation and waiting as signs of life slowly disappear with the approach of winter. And while I have no idea what I am waiting for, for the first time in my life I am eagerly anticipating winter.

During winter everything seems to be barren and dead to the human eye but there is so much happening beneath the surface.

 God is preparing, renewing, restoring and creating new life to be presented to the world in the spring time.

And so it will be, with me.

Golden List

I was challenged by friend to start a Golden List-a list of all the little things that make your heart smile. I began mine while out here in L.A & on those days that are particularly hard, I pull it up on my computer and read through it. This weekend I hit #200. I thought I would share some of them here (This post is for you Rebekah!)



"I would maintain that 'Thanks' are the highest form of thought; and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder."
-G.K Chesterton-



1. Sweet Tea
2. Vanilla Bean Ice Cream
3. The Smell of the Ocean
15. Theological Conversations
20. The feel of the sun on my skin
35. Thunderstorms
39. Wheat Beer
45. Awesome Mustaches
53. Atlanta Aquarium
68. Vans Shoes
70. Fireflies
71. Laughing children
75. Texts from my Sister
83. The Month of October
91. 'Away We Go' (movie)
102. Hipster Sweaters
114. Biking on PCH
132. My Anderson Cooper Bookmark
133. Bacon Wrapped Hotdogs (don't judge me!)
150. Hot Tea
163. Wrist Watches
196. Orange Trees
197. Swiping Oranges from said Orange Tree
203. Sea Anemones
207. Corporate Worship 




"The choice for gratitude rarely comes without some real effort. But each time I make it, the next choice is a little easier, a little freer, a little less self-conscious. Because every gift that I acknowledge reveals another and another until, finally, even the most normal, obvious, and seemingly mundane event or encounter proves to be filled with grace."
-Henri Nouwen-

The Sacred & The Mundane: Vol I

    Since coming to L.A I’ve found myself in a very interesting place to say the least, most days  I would say a not so good place, spiritually speaking. I'm not sure where to find God these day- sure He's everywhere but  that's one of those abstract thoughts. I'm in a place right now that I need tangibility coupled with practicality. Sometimes I'll catch a glimpse of Him in my day. And maybe for this season, that's what it’s about. Looking for and taking pleasure in the little things. I thought about this a lot 2 Saturdays ago while I was biking down the PCH (Hwy 1).  Perhaps this is the tangibility & practicality that I've been praying for. (Sometimes I forget that what I pray for doesn't always come in the package that I expect it to) I've been having a hard time finding Him and maybe, just maybe the little things is where I'm supposed to be looking.

     As a result of this thought I've begun re-thinking my concept of what's considered spiritual. I used to think that spiritual things consisted of going to church, doing church things, reading, praying, saying & doing the right things (as much as possible), Making sure to follow the rules. As you're reading this you're probably going "to some extent that's true and to some extent some of that is legalism." My thoughts exactly- but what if it's more than that. What if we expanded spirituality to include the little things as well...since I'm certain that God exists there as well.

     So for me spirituality has now come to include having ice cream at my favorite place once a week, every week. Its hearing my kids say please & thank you without me reminding them. It’s my kids telling me that they're going to miss me in the afternoon because they know I won't be around to play. Spirituality for me has been expanded to throwing together a meal and having it turn out great. One of the biggest moments of spirituality for me is when I'm biking down the PCH (Hwy 1) or along the ocean in general, hitting my stride, in the zone, the salty ocean air in my lungs and on my face. This is one of the most consistently exhilarating and freeing times that I have since being out here-and to be honest that I've had in general for quite some time. Those moments of spirituality aren’t manufactured in a church building, by doing churchy things, or following rules, those moments happen in real life, while you're interacting with broken & hurting people, including one's self. And I'm NOT knocking the church, I just think that perhaps, there's not quite this distinct line between the sacred & the mundane.

Perhaps, the sacred & the mundane are one in the same, most days...

Beg

Tonight I went to check out a church service with 2 of my roommates. It was disappointing beyond words. We left early, if that gives you any idea about what it was like. I've never left a service early before simply because I didn't agree with how it was run. I came home weary & overwhelmed & put on some Shane & Shane to help me better process what the heck just happened.  I know there's deeper issues at the root of this.

 I wrote in my last post that God had asked "where, are you?" and I didn't really have an answer other than feeling lost while living in the land of apathy, excuses & laziness. Shane & Shane's song 'Beg' came on and as I listened to the words I thought to myself: "this is me, parts of the song are where I am currently, and other parts are probably where I've been prior to this desert season. I posted the lyrics. I don't know, maybe someone else needs these too.

Here I am

One more day of not
Loving Him the way He asks
In fact my heart is singing praises to the things
that make me feel alright

So I’m sinking fast like a stone heart should
And on the way down
I’ve done what I could
To try and try to turn this stone to flesh

I’m haunted by my God
Who has the right to ask me
What by the nature of my rebellion
I cannot give.

So I beg for you to move
I beg for you to move
I beg for you to break through

So here I am
Got my deeds for the day
All my cute little words about
How I am saved
Am I saved?

Could I love you with my mouth like a church kid should
At the end of the day
My words get burned as wood
Oh, but I was good.

I’m haunted by my God
Who has the right to ask me
What by the nature of my rebellion
I cannot give.

These songs are noise
In your ears
A clanging drum
You want my love

99 & 1

This past Saturday afternoon God asked me a remarkable question. After I had finished community meal, and returned a phone call I went outside and sat on the steps of the back porch. I needed some fresh air and it was a beautifully warm SoCal Saturday. I sat there enjoying the warmth of the sun on my skin wondering where to begin my conversation with God (it’s been awhile since we’ve talked) while my soul was sighing heavily-weary & overwhelmed.

Since being out here in L.A I’ve been battling apathy and distance from God. After 5 years of Christian college & studying the Bible I’m at a “so what” kind of place. What does all this stuff mean for a twenty something living in LA? Perhaps at one point I had some sort of answer (or perhaps it was optimism) but that seems to be less the case these days. I know that this is in part due to The Great Disconnect of the head & the heart. I also know that the rest is due to poor spiritual maintenance; I don’t really pray anymore unless someone texts me a specific request and I don’t read my Bible anymore. There’s a severe lack of desire & interest in these disciplines and I’ve more or less let myself go to pot spiritually speaking.

This was the place I found myself in, as I sat on the steps with God. I simply asked, “Where are you?” A few minutes later He told me that I was asking the wrong question. (no surprise there) And in true God fashion, He answered my question with a question-“where, are you?” I sat there baffled and intrigued by this query. This is the very same question He asked Adam & Eve in the garden on that unfortunate day. (Genesis 3)I imagine it’s the same question that plagued the father of the prodigal son,(Luke 15:11-32) while his child was away. I suspect that this is the same inquisition made when the Good Shepherd leaves the 99 to go find the 1.(Luke 15:3-7)

 The 99 & the 1. I used to pride myself on being part of the 99. It seems that I’ve forgotten that once upon a time, I was once the 1. It appears that in this season, I am again, the 1. I had to realize and admit in that moment that where I am, is lost. That where I am, is confused. That I am currently living in the land of doubt & apathy & excuses/laziness. I have no clue where I am, but He does. Even in the midst of my lost state, I am undoubtedly grateful for a God who loves & seeks the 1.

Community

Preface: My friends do not take this post as a complaint in anyway, shape or form. I love this city, my job, my housemmates and the current season of crazines that I've found myself in. These are just things that I am currently thinking through. With that being said...

I've been thinkin a great about community. I've realized that I have no idea what community looks like outside of a spiritual one. Spiritual community is really all I've ever known since I was a junior in high school. I had my youth group, Chi Alpha and my South Carolina fam. All that I know about community I've learned from the spiritual aspect. It actually never ever occurred to me that I could be apart of any other type of community until I accepted this internship and moved to L.A-I moved out here to participate in the EUI program because of the appeal to Christian community that it seemed to present. I presumptiously assumed that meant that everyone in the program would be like me (what an absurd assumption I know-I'm actually really embarassed to admit that!)

What happened instead is that I bit off more than I could chew and I've found myself WAY out of my element. This is both good and bad. Good because it's in these places that I thrive & grow & learn the most. Good because it's in these places that I most feel like I meet the Lord face to face and because it's in these places that I'm stretched and pushed to my limits and then some. It's bad because I have a love-hate relationship with change, bad because being pruined and stretched is brutal, painful and downright exhausting. But for those of you who know me, I do enjoy a good challenge :)

So what does it look like to live in community with 7 other people from all walks of life, some of which I could never imagine? What does community look like when spirituality isn't the foundation? How do I go about community with gay housemmates? Some of which know the Bible just as well as I do but have drastically different interpretations? or with abrasive personalities? Where's the line between being bold and being a bigot? What does it look like to be salt and light to those who think they already have "it", to those who are searching but are leary of Christianity (possibly because of a lifestyle conflict) and to those who have just been indifferent to "it" for most their lives? What the heck kind of community am I even living in anyway or has the word community just become one of those over used, trendy, cliche, christian terms that's totally subjective?!

In the midst of all this chaos I hold tight to the fact that absolute truth does exist and from that truth I can in due time find the answers to these questions as God works them out in my head, my heart and my theology. I take comfort in knowing that He is the God who provides and will lead me to the spiritual community that I need to sort through these questions and ultimately help me survive this year semi-intact!