You Got the Love

In the last week I've fallen in love with a band called "Florence and the Machine" I heard their song "Dog Days Are Over" in the movie "Eat.Pray.Love" & again at the end of last night's Glee episode. Their debut album called "Lungs" is fantastic & I highly recommend checking it out. I swiped it from a friend & was highly impressed. If indie rock & soul music had a baby, it would be Florence and the Machine. :) I'll get back to why this is relevant in a second.

Since mid October I have been learning what it means for God to be my sustainer. I have always heard people say that God gives them strength or energy or that He sustains them, but I've never really understood what that meant, til recently. I think this is one of those things that you can't ever truly understand or get until it happens to you. Currently God is transferring head knowledge to heart wisdom & its stunning yet grueling.

I've been running on empty since mid October for various reasons & just really feeling like life's bitch. Now when I say empty, i mean empty like, there is absolutely NOTHING in the tank . At the top of every hour I literally pray for God to help me survive the next hour while thanking Him for helping me survive the previous one. God being my sustainer means that I am accutely aware of just how dependent upon Him I am for EVERYTHING. I think I've always known this in my head, but now I'm learning it in my heart. A.W Tozer puts it like this in his book "Knowledge of the Holy" "God is our environment the way water is to fish and air is to birds." If either one of these animals is removed from its essential living environment, it dies-so it is with man & God.

I must say though, that there is something breath-takingly beautiful about being in a place where you are so aware of your need for God. There is something exquisite & encouraging about a God who will empty you completely so that He can fill you up with all that He is, which is always more than enough. There is something totally ravishing about a God who draws near to His people in times of trials & doubt. And there is something absolutely resplendent about a God who actually makes us stronger, better people in the midst of our weaknesses. And what's more sublime is that all this ONLY makes sense in the topsy-turvy, seemingly upside down kingdom of God.

Now back to Florence and the Machine. On their album that I swiped with the utmost respect, the last track is called "You've Got the Love" and its a cover by another band called "The Source" The lyrics are powerful, relevant & honest (and it has a catchy beat!). Here they are:

Sometimes i feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying "Lord I just don't care"
But you've got the love I need to see me through

Sometimes it seems that the going is just too rough
And things go wrong no matter what I do
Now and then it seems that life is just too much
But you've got the love I need to see me through

When food is gone you are my daily meal
When friends are gone I know my Saviour's love is real
Your love is real

You got the love (6X's)

Time after time I think "Oh Lord, what's the use?"
Time after time I think it's just no good
Sooner or later in life, the things you love you loose
But you've got the love I need to see me through

You've got the love (6x's)

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying "Lord I just don't care"
But you've got the love I need to see me through.

Waiting...

About a month ago, life as I knew it, came to a complete stand still. All future plans flew out the window right before my eyes, & I was left standing with one hand in my pocket & the other hand scratching my head; wondering what was next, & experiencing a complete spectrum of emotions. Currenty I'm still in that place while simultaneously learning the things that God is trying to teach me.

One of the lessons I'm learning is how to wait in Him. Waiting, I used to think was inter-changeable with patience but I'm learnng that while the two are closely related there are some differences between the two. I think that waiting is a place, a state of being-while patience is a by-product of learning to live in that place. I think that waiting is a season, it comes and goes like fall & spring but with much less predictability, while patience is to be exercised at all times & in all seasons of life. I am also learning about my myself that I have never ever really been forced to stop and appreciate the beauty of being in a season of waiting. I know this is largely in part caused by the fact that I struggle with contentment & as a result, my mindset is constantly thinking that the grass is always greener somewhere else. I have also become aware of the fact that I severly lack patience. Thus learning to live in a season of waiting with little to no patience has been a little rough to say the least, but by His strength He makes it easier with each passing day and by His grace I recognize more & more the beauty of this place.

"Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, the Lord is my portion; therefore, i will wait for him." -Lamentations 3:22-24-

I am also learning the implications of valuing the journey more than the destination. As of now I have absolutely no idea of what I'm doing or where im going after I get back from my internship in Italy the end of July. [though I think I hear Phoenix calling my name ;)] It has become clear to me that I am at the mercy of God, that I have NO control over anything happening around me. The only thing I can control, is my response to the situations around me. Through God's grace I am choosing to learn all that He has to teach me with an atittude of humility & joy. I'm learning on this journey, that while I have never felt more out of control about the things around me, have also never felt more freedom in knowing that God is guiding my steps each and everyday- whether I can see it or not & regardless of where He will lead me in the long run. I'm learning that valuing the journey more than the destination means living in the moment, making the most of every opportunity God presents, having the sense to know when God is moving & responding accordingly. Being on the journey means living in the here & now as if it were my last, because I'm not promised tomorrow. Ultimately I'm learning what it means to enjoy the journey in this season of waiting, as ironic as it sounds & I know that when it's time to head to the next place God will let me know, in His own way, & in His own time.

"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, 'This is the way, walk in it'" -Isaiah 30:21-

Surrender

Surrender....This is probably one of the scariest words in the human language. I hate this word personally b/c anytime God teaches me a lesson in this subject it usually results in a huge disruption to my life-for the better of course, but no less hard to grasp. In looking up definitions for the word surrender a common word I found was yield, so being a word nerd i looked up definitions for yield. my favorite definiton was:"to give up, as to a superior power or authority." what a beautiful & honest description of walking w/God.

To walk w/the Almighty is to learn to live a life of surrender. A life of yielding to His Holy Spirit and obeying as He leads. Its about exchanging all those things you once valued for kingdom treasures-some of which people will not understand. Part of surrender is about yielding your mindset, and learning to view things from a completely different perspective-a kingdom perspective. Learning things like the first will be last, to find your life you must lose it, or to love your enemies, things that are counter-intuitive to our depraved human nature. Surrender is about giving all our hurts & life scars to the Father so that He can heal them & so that We can add them to our grace story to minister to others. Surrender is about allowing God to set us free from the chains of fear, inadequacy, & pride or whatever else keeps us from becoming who we are meant to be. Surrender is trusting that God knows best (especially when we disagree) & that His plans are infinitely better than anything we could ever dream up b/c He sees the bigger picture. Surrender is trusting that God is truly good even in the darkest hours, trusting that He is with you when you feel like the only soul in the universe, and trusting that He'll guide you when you embark on a new journey far far from home.

Surrender looks different to everyone. What some find easy to surrender is a nightmare for others. For me personally I have a hard time surrending plans-I hate when I have a plan & then it gets changed. Part of that is that I just dont like change. Change & I have a love-hate relationship, while I loathe its coming, I also simultaneously yearn for it. Deep down I always know that in the long run its for the better, however that rarely helps me in the transition of change. My remedy for this problem is to simply quit making plans-if there are no plans to begin with, then there's no upset when they change. As a woman I naturally struggle with control. I like knowing what's going to happen, I like knowing that I have the upper hand in a situation, and I like the consistency that having control brings to the craziness that is life. Personal surrender is something that God has to help me w/on a daily sometimes hourly basis b/c needless to say, its NOT something I can do on my own & I'm extremely grateful that I don't have to attempt it alone.

Surrender isnt just a word or something that sounds good in theory. It's a way of living-a lifestyle. a commitement. a commitment to a lifestyle yielding to something bigger than ourselves. A commitment to a deeper relationship & more personal understanding of God Almighty in our daily life. A commitment thats well worth the risks involved.

Confession

In light of having more free time than I know what to do with, resulting in countless sleepless nights, I have had nothing better to do then think & process various things. As a result of all this, I've realized several things, which will be discussed in the next couple posts.

The past couple of weeks I have been attending a ladies Bible study. The study is a series called "Experiencing God" Essentially the study is about finding & experiencing God in the day to day. Something that has really been emphasized is our need to take the spiritual truths of God and make them a reality in our daily lives. This is much easier said then done, because of what I call "the head-heart disconnect" The head-heart disconnect is our ability to know something in our head but not know it in our heart. Somehow the knowledge in our head gets lost in translation on its way to our hearts to become wisdom. For instance, if someone were to ask me if God loved me, I would say absolutely w/o hesistation. But there was a time in my life when inspite of knowing that in my head, I didn't necessarily believe it in my heart. It was simply a conditioned response, not a reality in my life.

I once heard it said: "wisdom is the application of knowledge" when I heard this in chapel last spring I remember thinking that this was one of the most profound things I had heard in awhile. It was the antithesis of the head-heart disconnect. My confession is that I am a knowledge dispenser. God has given me an amazing passion for learning theology & kingdom principles & the equally beautiful gift of explaining it to others. If I'm being honest, the problem is that only a small percent of that is a reality in my life as opposed to the majority of it being conditioned responses to various situations.

The handful of learned knowledge, that has become actual heart wisdom for daily life is immensely liberating. To truly live in that small amount of wisdom is to better understand the character & nature of God in a much more satifying & realistic way. My desire, prayer & hope is for God to continue to transform my acquired knowledge into daily heart wisdom so that I can continue to live & walk in freedom.

Seasons

The opening of Ecclesiastes 3 is all about how there are seasons in our life for just about everything. A time for laughing & crying, a time for planting & uprooting, times for scattering & gathering and so on. Some seasons are preferred to others but ultimately God puts us in these different seasons to teach us, to grow us, & to refine us. These seasons are designed to bring us closer to the Father and to deepen our understanding of His grace, love & sovereignty in our lives.

Upon reflection I have realized that I am transitioning into a new season of my life & entering new seasons in my relationships with the different people in my life. It's simultaneously exciting & breath-taking. In the next 12-14 months (God willing) I will be getting engaged, finally graduating college, going abroad, getting married & moving. This by far will be the biggest year of my life to date. It's terrifying, mind-blowing, beautiful & yet the anticipation is almost too much to stand :) Am i ready for all this? My head & my heart say no, but God seems to think otherwise, so in His sovereignty & goodness I will trust as he leads the way.

Sometimes though, with the changing of the seasons God does a little bit of pruning. Sometimes we have to pack a little lighter in order to move to the next season, and sometimes it's hard to decide what to leave behind. Fortunately the Father is patient & good & will show us what cannot be carried into the new season of life. I'm currently reading a book called "The Intangible Kingdom" and the authors put it this way:

"He loves to trim off anything that would slow us down, hinder us, or make the journey more difficult. Sometimes that includes people...sometimes that includes assets, possessions & material concerns..."

For me the pruning process is usually people, as everything I own fits in my car & I have no interest in accumulating stuff that has no eternal value. The changing of this season is no different. Through a series of events & after seeking wise counsel & much prayer I feel as though the Father is asking me to close the chapter on a friendship that I have loved having in my life but has ultimateely become unhealthy, & in the end would slow me down and/or make the journey into the upcoming season in my life more difficult. I am saddened to part ways but I know that my heavenly Father knows best & who knows, perhaps it's not permanent.

I am ecstatic for all the new season of my other relationships. I look forward to hearing about the adventures of a friend in Phoenix & about the adventures of adulthood from my better half ;) I look forward to being 90 mins away from my hermanita & having as much fun as possible w /my school friends as I enter my senior year of college (finally!) Probably most exciting come January, I look forward to having mi amor down south w/me! :D

My Father is good & good to me. I praise & thank Him for the changing of the seasons & ALL that they bring.

Its Complicated

Ive recently discovered that falling in love truly complicates things. ive been contemplating how two people with very different lifestyles and interests, goals, and ambitions are expected to come together to form something new in which both parties still maintain the characteristics that makes them, them as well as their life goals and dreams. How much compromise is expected? where do you draw the line? how do you even begin to start a life together that fulfills both people? Is there that one person thats always compromising and is the push-over? How do you decide whats selfish and what's something thats really important to you? As im pondering all these things and processing, part of me realizes that life was much simpler being single and in a sense longs for that. Ive also realized that being in a relationship maginifies all the bad things about you, like how impatient you are, how stubborn you can be, and just how unruly the tongue can be if not kept in constant check.