Preface: My friends do not take this post as a complaint in anyway, shape or form. I love this city, my job, my housemmates and the current season of crazines that I've found myself in. These are just things that I am currently thinking through. With that being said...
I've been thinkin a great about community. I've realized that I have no idea what community looks like outside of a spiritual one. Spiritual community is really all I've ever known since I was a junior in high school. I had my youth group, Chi Alpha and my South Carolina fam. All that I know about community I've learned from the spiritual aspect. It actually never ever occurred to me that I could be apart of any other type of community until I accepted this internship and moved to L.A-I moved out here to participate in the EUI program because of the appeal to Christian community that it seemed to present. I presumptiously assumed that meant that everyone in the program would be like me (what an absurd assumption I know-I'm actually really embarassed to admit that!)
What happened instead is that I bit off more than I could chew and I've found myself WAY out of my element. This is both good and bad. Good because it's in these places that I thrive & grow & learn the most. Good because it's in these places that I most feel like I meet the Lord face to face and because it's in these places that I'm stretched and pushed to my limits and then some. It's bad because I have a love-hate relationship with change, bad because being pruined and stretched is brutal, painful and downright exhausting. But for those of you who know me, I do enjoy a good challenge :)
So what does it look like to live in community with 7 other people from all walks of life, some of which I could never imagine? What does community look like when spirituality isn't the foundation? How do I go about community with gay housemmates? Some of which know the Bible just as well as I do but have drastically different interpretations? or with abrasive personalities? Where's the line between being bold and being a bigot? What does it look like to be salt and light to those who think they already have "it", to those who are searching but are leary of Christianity (possibly because of a lifestyle conflict) and to those who have just been indifferent to "it" for most their lives? What the heck kind of community am I even living in anyway or has the word community just become one of those over used, trendy, cliche, christian terms that's totally subjective?!
In the midst of all this chaos I hold tight to the fact that absolute truth does exist and from that truth I can in due time find the answers to these questions as God works them out in my head, my heart and my theology. I take comfort in knowing that He is the God who provides and will lead me to the spiritual community that I need to sort through these questions and ultimately help me survive this year semi-intact!
Friday, September 16, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Creatio Ex Nihilo
"Creatio Ex Nihilo" to create something out of nothing. I've recently just finished 5 years of Bible college and I have read & studied about God doing some pretty mind-blowing things; but for me personally, creatio ex nihilo is still one of the coolest. I find this act of God so astounding because not only did He create things that had NEVER previously existed, but He did so effortlessly. He simply opened His mouth & spoke things into being....into existence....into motion. Keep in mind these are things that had never previously existed, anywhere, ever. These were not small things that were being spoken into existence, God Almighty here (Gen 1) is speaking the sky, oceans, mountains, sunsets, planets, stars, entire solar systems & galaxies (one's we haven't even discovered yet!)into being. And just like that...He speaks...and all of sudden...what wasn't, now is...
Tonight I had dinner with 3 local believers who are kinda the core of the Chi Alpha Campus Ministries (XA for short) that is being started at the prestigious U.P. Diliman. Angie is the oldest and is the pastor's wife of a nearby congregation, Carin is 28 & works at a software place doing I.T. help and attends Angie's church along with Joel who is 18, a sophomore studying physics.
As I ate, talked, laughed & got to know these amazing people that I now have the priviledge of serving alongside this summer; I started to get incredibly excited about what God wants to do on the UP campus through this XA that is still in it's infancy stages. My trepidation continued to grow as I listened to Angie tell me of how XA at UP was birthed, & how everyone around the table had come to be involved. It became obvious that this particular ministry is God breathed and I was suddenly overwhelmed by God's love & desire for the students to know him intimately. I became strangely aware that God is going to use this ministry in a mighty way to impact the nation & sow into His kingdom. That excitment tripled as we sorted the contacts (27 alone from UP!) recieved from the student missions conference the previous week. I left the dinner-meeting with a full belly & an even fuller heart.
As I walked back to the apartment, I couldn't help but feel a deep sense of humility & awe. Humility that God has brought me half way around the world to be apart of something so incredible & special. Awe because I realized that this summer I literally get to watch God perform creatio ex nihilo right before my very eyes with this ministry.
God is speaking, and what is not, will soon be.
Tonight I had dinner with 3 local believers who are kinda the core of the Chi Alpha Campus Ministries (XA for short) that is being started at the prestigious U.P. Diliman. Angie is the oldest and is the pastor's wife of a nearby congregation, Carin is 28 & works at a software place doing I.T. help and attends Angie's church along with Joel who is 18, a sophomore studying physics.
As I ate, talked, laughed & got to know these amazing people that I now have the priviledge of serving alongside this summer; I started to get incredibly excited about what God wants to do on the UP campus through this XA that is still in it's infancy stages. My trepidation continued to grow as I listened to Angie tell me of how XA at UP was birthed, & how everyone around the table had come to be involved. It became obvious that this particular ministry is God breathed and I was suddenly overwhelmed by God's love & desire for the students to know him intimately. I became strangely aware that God is going to use this ministry in a mighty way to impact the nation & sow into His kingdom. That excitment tripled as we sorted the contacts (27 alone from UP!) recieved from the student missions conference the previous week. I left the dinner-meeting with a full belly & an even fuller heart.
As I walked back to the apartment, I couldn't help but feel a deep sense of humility & awe. Humility that God has brought me half way around the world to be apart of something so incredible & special. Awe because I realized that this summer I literally get to watch God perform creatio ex nihilo right before my very eyes with this ministry.
God is speaking, and what is not, will soon be.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Yahweh's Touch
I love how God meets us where we are; at that exact moment, when our soul needs His glorious & healing touch He makes Himself known & felt. This past weekend was fun (and unproductive) but a little rough internally. Today I wasted my time at an interview and didn't quite get all the school work done I'd wanted and on top of all that tomorrow is Tuesday which is my super long day of class. I went to the library tonight to work on some homework and when I came out I was pleasantly surprised by the beauty of the night. The temperature was still warm, the stars were out in full force and the wind was blowing through the trees & the grass. I went back to my room to drop off my stuff and walked out to the swings.
I couldn't help but get excited at the early taste of summer nights. Summer is my favorite season and I eagerly await her arrival every year with GREAT anticipation. My anticipation being compounded by the simple fact that I'll be experiencing my beloved summer nights in the Philippines-making them all the more magical.
I sat down at the swing, then slouched down, and stared up at the night sky. I marveled at the stars and the creativity of Him who made me. As I sat in awe of such a beautiful night I couldn't help but wonder if these were the same stars that Yahweh had told Abraham to count as He promised to make him a father of many nations. I wondered if these were the very same stars that Noah saw as he looked out from his ark night after night. I wondered if these were the same stars that the Israelites gazed upon as they stood outside their tents every night for 40 years as they wandered in the wilderness. I wondered if these were the same stars that the Exiles beheld as they prayed for Yahweh to deliver them out of captivity & back to the Promised Land. And I wondered if these were the exact same stars that the wise men had calculated and followed when the fullness of time had finally come (Galatians 4:4) to the humble birth of our Savior. As I sat and dwelled upon this I was reminded of Hebrews 12:1-2 ish. "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders, and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perserverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus the pioneer & perfecter of our faith." I became overwhelmed by the thought of all those who had come before me & yet oddly connected by the simple fact that we are all a part of something so much bigger than ourselves.
I slouched some more as the wind picked up, swaying the swing, blowing my hair and whistling in my ears; I was once again strangley comforted by the fact that God is all around me. I smiled as I remembered one of my Profs teaching that God is a "Prepositional God" (prepositions denote position) He is beneath us, above us, behind us, before us, near us and most importantly, in us. I realized that one of the perks of serving a living God who is prepositional (among other things), is that I am never truly alone. Yahweh, The Great I AM, El Roi-He sees me, He knows me and He loves me. I find unfathomable solace in this divine fact.
Yahweh SEES you, He KNOWS you & He LOVES you, did you know that?!
"I pray that you being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's people, to grasp how wide and long, and high and deep is the love of Christ." Ephesians 3:17-18
I couldn't help but get excited at the early taste of summer nights. Summer is my favorite season and I eagerly await her arrival every year with GREAT anticipation. My anticipation being compounded by the simple fact that I'll be experiencing my beloved summer nights in the Philippines-making them all the more magical.
I sat down at the swing, then slouched down, and stared up at the night sky. I marveled at the stars and the creativity of Him who made me. As I sat in awe of such a beautiful night I couldn't help but wonder if these were the same stars that Yahweh had told Abraham to count as He promised to make him a father of many nations. I wondered if these were the very same stars that Noah saw as he looked out from his ark night after night. I wondered if these were the same stars that the Israelites gazed upon as they stood outside their tents every night for 40 years as they wandered in the wilderness. I wondered if these were the same stars that the Exiles beheld as they prayed for Yahweh to deliver them out of captivity & back to the Promised Land. And I wondered if these were the exact same stars that the wise men had calculated and followed when the fullness of time had finally come (Galatians 4:4) to the humble birth of our Savior. As I sat and dwelled upon this I was reminded of Hebrews 12:1-2 ish. "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders, and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perserverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus the pioneer & perfecter of our faith." I became overwhelmed by the thought of all those who had come before me & yet oddly connected by the simple fact that we are all a part of something so much bigger than ourselves.
I slouched some more as the wind picked up, swaying the swing, blowing my hair and whistling in my ears; I was once again strangley comforted by the fact that God is all around me. I smiled as I remembered one of my Profs teaching that God is a "Prepositional God" (prepositions denote position) He is beneath us, above us, behind us, before us, near us and most importantly, in us. I realized that one of the perks of serving a living God who is prepositional (among other things), is that I am never truly alone. Yahweh, The Great I AM, El Roi-He sees me, He knows me and He loves me. I find unfathomable solace in this divine fact.
Yahweh SEES you, He KNOWS you & He LOVES you, did you know that?!
"I pray that you being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's people, to grasp how wide and long, and high and deep is the love of Christ." Ephesians 3:17-18
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Under Construction
This past weekend, the church I attend had their annual woman's retreat and while I did not go, some of the girls from my community group went and shared a little of what God revealed to them over the weekend. A friend shared about how she realized that God takes pleasure in refining us to make us look more and more like Him. That too Him it's exciting & not a hassle or a disappointment to have to be continually scooping off all that dross as with every scoop He is able to see a little more of His reflection in us which is an impressive & miraculous thought since all this takes place on this side of heaven in the midst of sin & rebellion.
John Piper makes an interesting point that God is specifically compared to a refiner's fire and not, say..... a forrest fire or an incinerator's fire; for a forrest fire destroys indiscriminantly and an incinerator consumes EVERYTHING. But a refiner's fire is specific and methodical. The purpose of the refiner's fire is to purify and burn away anything that takes away from it's value; leaving the silver or gold in much better condition. Ultimately as believers the goal of refinement is to become more and more like Christ. The Scriptures tell us some of the specific benefits of being refined. Romans 5:3-4 tells us that refinement prouduces endurance/perserverance, which in turn produces character and that character results in hope which will never disappoint or put us to shame. James 1:1-4 declares that refinement produces perserverance and that perserverance works to make the believer mature, complete and lacking in nothing. All this to say that while the furnance of the refiner is grueling and brutal, the results are of eternal value and should be embraced. Our God is one who redeems & refines in the midst of brokeness, creating beautiful things from the dust and creating beautiful things out of us.
Today I was working on homework and listening to pandora and a song called "Change in the Making" by Addison Road came on. *Shameless plug: Addison Road is an awesome band with powerful & honest lyrics & you should definitely check them out!* The lyrics to this song are part of what inspired this post so enjoy!
There's a better version of me
That I can't quite see
But things are gonna change
But right now I'm a total mess and
Right now I'm completely incomplete
But things are gonna change
'Cause you're not through with me yet
>Chorus:
This is a redemption story
With every step that I'm taking
Everyday you're chipping away
What I don't need
This is me under construction
This is my pride being broken
And everyday I'm closer to who I'm meant to be
I'm a change in the making
Wish I could live more patiently
Wish I could give a little more of me
Without stopping to think twice
Wish I had faith like a little child
Wish I could walk a single mile
Without tripping on my own feet
Chorus
From the dawn of history
You make new and you redeem
From a broken world to a broken heart
You finish what you start in everything
Like a river rolls into the sea
We're not who we're going to be
But things are going to change
Chorus
I'm a change in the making
I'm not who I'm going to be
I'm moving closer to your
glory
John Piper makes an interesting point that God is specifically compared to a refiner's fire and not, say..... a forrest fire or an incinerator's fire; for a forrest fire destroys indiscriminantly and an incinerator consumes EVERYTHING. But a refiner's fire is specific and methodical. The purpose of the refiner's fire is to purify and burn away anything that takes away from it's value; leaving the silver or gold in much better condition. Ultimately as believers the goal of refinement is to become more and more like Christ. The Scriptures tell us some of the specific benefits of being refined. Romans 5:3-4 tells us that refinement prouduces endurance/perserverance, which in turn produces character and that character results in hope which will never disappoint or put us to shame. James 1:1-4 declares that refinement produces perserverance and that perserverance works to make the believer mature, complete and lacking in nothing. All this to say that while the furnance of the refiner is grueling and brutal, the results are of eternal value and should be embraced. Our God is one who redeems & refines in the midst of brokeness, creating beautiful things from the dust and creating beautiful things out of us.
Today I was working on homework and listening to pandora and a song called "Change in the Making" by Addison Road came on. *Shameless plug: Addison Road is an awesome band with powerful & honest lyrics & you should definitely check them out!* The lyrics to this song are part of what inspired this post so enjoy!
There's a better version of me
That I can't quite see
But things are gonna change
But right now I'm a total mess and
Right now I'm completely incomplete
But things are gonna change
'Cause you're not through with me yet
>Chorus:
This is a redemption story
With every step that I'm taking
Everyday you're chipping away
What I don't need
This is me under construction
This is my pride being broken
And everyday I'm closer to who I'm meant to be
I'm a change in the making
Wish I could live more patiently
Wish I could give a little more of me
Without stopping to think twice
Wish I had faith like a little child
Wish I could walk a single mile
Without tripping on my own feet
Chorus
From the dawn of history
You make new and you redeem
From a broken world to a broken heart
You finish what you start in everything
Like a river rolls into the sea
We're not who we're going to be
But things are going to change
Chorus
I'm a change in the making
I'm not who I'm going to be
I'm moving closer to your
glory
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Great Expectations Vol. II
"God is bigger than our expectations." These words were spoken by a very wise woman a few weeks ago at the Monday night bible study I attend. These six words..... this simple statement..... has had an intensely profound effect on my outlook of life. For the past 5 months I have been internally grappling with this idea of expectations. This cosmic wrestling match has affected my mood, my self talk, and my relationship with God. I've been trying to understand what it is to have biblical expectations while trying to figure out & weed through my own fleshly & self-imposed expectations on life & God. I've been trying to sort through all of this for 2 main reasons. The first being for own peace of mind and the second being that I am required to do a missions internship as part of my graduation stipulations and I knew with everything inside of me, that I would never be able to behold & recieve all that God had for me on this internship unless we got this sorted out. This particular thing had become a bit of a roadblock for me and built an un-intentional wall between myself & my Savior. BUT.......
God in his good and perfect timing spoke these beautiful and impactful words through a friend, completely changing my perspective on this particular issue. "God is bigger than our expectations." To be human is to have expectations & to have expectations is to be human. I've realized that many times I create unconcious expectations about various things and am upset or flustered when they don't come to furtution without really understanding why, and other times I make intentional expectations of how something should go and am really thrown into a frenzy when it doesn't happen. Immediately following something like this begins the process of dealing with the disappointment and reconciling my damaged ego to His sovereignty & confidence.
"God is bigger than our expectations." This is what I am learning from this simple yet profound statement. My self-imposed expectations are a result of only being able to see a miniscule piece of the bigger picture. I'm learning that a lot of my expectations are me focused instead of Him focused. I am learning that God wants to do so much more than what I can imagine-in fact, God being bigger than my expectations means that He wants "to do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine according to His power that is within us." (Ephesians 3:20) That word immeasurable means: impossible to measure/limitless or vast. Sounds vaguely reminiscent of one of God's attributes does it not? Only an infinite God could be bigger than my expectations & for that, I'm incredibly grateful.
So for this current stage of life these are the kinds of expectations I can have in Him.
I can expect God to do what is good in all situations. I can expect God to meet me where I am, regardless of my condition. I can expect Him to continue to teach me so that I may proceed in growth towards spiritual maturity. I can expect Him to stretch me, refine me & break me as He sees fit. I can expect to be used by God as He deems worthy. I can expect encouragement when I do right and loving rebuke when I do wrong. I can expect to be led & redirected by His Spirit to accomplish His purposes. These are the expectations that I can live in day by day.
"God is bigger than our expectations." With this thought, everything has changed. With this thought, things will never be the same. Lord I pray that I never forget this very important & insightful lesson that You have taught me these past 5 months.
God in his good and perfect timing spoke these beautiful and impactful words through a friend, completely changing my perspective on this particular issue. "God is bigger than our expectations." To be human is to have expectations & to have expectations is to be human. I've realized that many times I create unconcious expectations about various things and am upset or flustered when they don't come to furtution without really understanding why, and other times I make intentional expectations of how something should go and am really thrown into a frenzy when it doesn't happen. Immediately following something like this begins the process of dealing with the disappointment and reconciling my damaged ego to His sovereignty & confidence.
"God is bigger than our expectations." This is what I am learning from this simple yet profound statement. My self-imposed expectations are a result of only being able to see a miniscule piece of the bigger picture. I'm learning that a lot of my expectations are me focused instead of Him focused. I am learning that God wants to do so much more than what I can imagine-in fact, God being bigger than my expectations means that He wants "to do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine according to His power that is within us." (Ephesians 3:20) That word immeasurable means: impossible to measure/limitless or vast. Sounds vaguely reminiscent of one of God's attributes does it not? Only an infinite God could be bigger than my expectations & for that, I'm incredibly grateful.
So for this current stage of life these are the kinds of expectations I can have in Him.
I can expect God to do what is good in all situations. I can expect God to meet me where I am, regardless of my condition. I can expect Him to continue to teach me so that I may proceed in growth towards spiritual maturity. I can expect Him to stretch me, refine me & break me as He sees fit. I can expect to be used by God as He deems worthy. I can expect encouragement when I do right and loving rebuke when I do wrong. I can expect to be led & redirected by His Spirit to accomplish His purposes. These are the expectations that I can live in day by day.
"God is bigger than our expectations." With this thought, everything has changed. With this thought, things will never be the same. Lord I pray that I never forget this very important & insightful lesson that You have taught me these past 5 months.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Great Expectations: Vol. I
I haven't written a post in ages because I've been wrestling with the God that I adore, & am just now feeling composed (and brave) enough to share.
At the opening of the new year I am finding myself really wrestling with what kind(s) of expectations I am to have for 2011 if any at all. Generally speaking, I love the coming of a new year, I eagerly await it because I love the feeling of new possibilities and a fresh start to strengthen my weaknesses and delve deeper into all that the Lord wants to teach me. I am usually filled with anticipation at the prospects of new adventures fraught with the reality of meeting new people, while also getting to deepen already existing relationships. This however, is not the case at the start of 2011-quite the opposite to be honest. At the opening of this new year I am filled with apprehension, hesitation, cyncism & apathy. I have some distrust & a rotten atittude. I find myself weary & confused, stuck in a mental trapping of my own design-created by feasting on the lies of Satan rather than on the truths of my Father.
At the close of 2010 and the start of 2011, I find my life looking nothing like what I had hoped or expected it to & completely clueless as to the direction that it's headed. I read a qoute yesterday that said "While we cannot direct the wind, we can adjust our sails." I find myself really struggling with the adjusting & redirecting part. I'm still having an incredibly hard time finding my bearings & catching my breath, while trying to get re-oriented into a proper state of mind. All of this has led to my current disdain/battle towards the creation of expectations for this year. The cyncism within says why bother? Creating expectations will only lead to disappointment, especially when made in a world that I was not created for. I know that I don't ever want to feel this way again and it would appear that the easiest way to ascertain that would be to forfeit having any expectations.
However, I very much recognize how unrealistic & ridiculous this notion is thus better phrasing my conflict. My conflict here is that I am struggling to find & understand Biblically, what kind of expectations I as a believer am to have-in general and from year to year. My conflict at this moment is that while I am aware that I need to let go of my selfish & self-centered expectations, I have no idea what to replace them with. I do not know how to let go of the expectations that I previously held, to make room for the ones that God wants to give me; and even if I did know how, at this current moment I am paralyzed with the fear of disappointment, preventing me from stepping out in faith. I had a much needed conversation with an incredibly wise friend who told me that all I can do is have expectations for that day. I can't hold onto the expectations of yesterday or the possible expectations of tomorrow. All I can do is have expectations for that day & I can expect to have different ones for the following day. I'm still ruminating on this bit of wisdom but later thoughts on this can be expected.
"I do not seek to understand that I may believe, but I believe in order to understand."-Anselm
At the opening of the new year I am finding myself really wrestling with what kind(s) of expectations I am to have for 2011 if any at all. Generally speaking, I love the coming of a new year, I eagerly await it because I love the feeling of new possibilities and a fresh start to strengthen my weaknesses and delve deeper into all that the Lord wants to teach me. I am usually filled with anticipation at the prospects of new adventures fraught with the reality of meeting new people, while also getting to deepen already existing relationships. This however, is not the case at the start of 2011-quite the opposite to be honest. At the opening of this new year I am filled with apprehension, hesitation, cyncism & apathy. I have some distrust & a rotten atittude. I find myself weary & confused, stuck in a mental trapping of my own design-created by feasting on the lies of Satan rather than on the truths of my Father.
At the close of 2010 and the start of 2011, I find my life looking nothing like what I had hoped or expected it to & completely clueless as to the direction that it's headed. I read a qoute yesterday that said "While we cannot direct the wind, we can adjust our sails." I find myself really struggling with the adjusting & redirecting part. I'm still having an incredibly hard time finding my bearings & catching my breath, while trying to get re-oriented into a proper state of mind. All of this has led to my current disdain/battle towards the creation of expectations for this year. The cyncism within says why bother? Creating expectations will only lead to disappointment, especially when made in a world that I was not created for. I know that I don't ever want to feel this way again and it would appear that the easiest way to ascertain that would be to forfeit having any expectations.
However, I very much recognize how unrealistic & ridiculous this notion is thus better phrasing my conflict. My conflict here is that I am struggling to find & understand Biblically, what kind of expectations I as a believer am to have-in general and from year to year. My conflict at this moment is that while I am aware that I need to let go of my selfish & self-centered expectations, I have no idea what to replace them with. I do not know how to let go of the expectations that I previously held, to make room for the ones that God wants to give me; and even if I did know how, at this current moment I am paralyzed with the fear of disappointment, preventing me from stepping out in faith. I had a much needed conversation with an incredibly wise friend who told me that all I can do is have expectations for that day. I can't hold onto the expectations of yesterday or the possible expectations of tomorrow. All I can do is have expectations for that day & I can expect to have different ones for the following day. I'm still ruminating on this bit of wisdom but later thoughts on this can be expected.
"I do not seek to understand that I may believe, but I believe in order to understand."-Anselm
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