I haven't written a post in ages because I've been wrestling with the God that I adore, & am just now feeling composed (and brave) enough to share.
At the opening of the new year I am finding myself really wrestling with what kind(s) of expectations I am to have for 2011 if any at all. Generally speaking, I love the coming of a new year, I eagerly await it because I love the feeling of new possibilities and a fresh start to strengthen my weaknesses and delve deeper into all that the Lord wants to teach me. I am usually filled with anticipation at the prospects of new adventures fraught with the reality of meeting new people, while also getting to deepen already existing relationships. This however, is not the case at the start of 2011-quite the opposite to be honest. At the opening of this new year I am filled with apprehension, hesitation, cyncism & apathy. I have some distrust & a rotten atittude. I find myself weary & confused, stuck in a mental trapping of my own design-created by feasting on the lies of Satan rather than on the truths of my Father.
At the close of 2010 and the start of 2011, I find my life looking nothing like what I had hoped or expected it to & completely clueless as to the direction that it's headed. I read a qoute yesterday that said "While we cannot direct the wind, we can adjust our sails." I find myself really struggling with the adjusting & redirecting part. I'm still having an incredibly hard time finding my bearings & catching my breath, while trying to get re-oriented into a proper state of mind. All of this has led to my current disdain/battle towards the creation of expectations for this year. The cyncism within says why bother? Creating expectations will only lead to disappointment, especially when made in a world that I was not created for. I know that I don't ever want to feel this way again and it would appear that the easiest way to ascertain that would be to forfeit having any expectations.
However, I very much recognize how unrealistic & ridiculous this notion is thus better phrasing my conflict. My conflict here is that I am struggling to find & understand Biblically, what kind of expectations I as a believer am to have-in general and from year to year. My conflict at this moment is that while I am aware that I need to let go of my selfish & self-centered expectations, I have no idea what to replace them with. I do not know how to let go of the expectations that I previously held, to make room for the ones that God wants to give me; and even if I did know how, at this current moment I am paralyzed with the fear of disappointment, preventing me from stepping out in faith. I had a much needed conversation with an incredibly wise friend who told me that all I can do is have expectations for that day. I can't hold onto the expectations of yesterday or the possible expectations of tomorrow. All I can do is have expectations for that day & I can expect to have different ones for the following day. I'm still ruminating on this bit of wisdom but later thoughts on this can be expected.
"I do not seek to understand that I may believe, but I believe in order to understand."-Anselm
